"Works for me"

Last Friday, we had a farewell party for one of our officemates. That guy has been working here for many years. Apart from his consulting major, he was also in charge of various IT administration tasks. One of our directors had a farewell speech on the party, saying that
"Whenever I had some IT difficulties and asked him, I got the reply from him: 'it works for me'. Loosely translated, it means 'Screw you'!"

某年的世界杯

最近经常被问到中国队有没有进世界杯（更有甚者，还问我香港队有没有进世界杯）。我说进过一次，2002年。那年中国队被分进了“死亡之组”，小组前两名分别是当届的世界杯冠军和季军。而且，中国最后积分和进球数和当时的卫冕冠军法国队一样——都是完美的Zero。
当然现在中国和法国队的高下已分——前不久，中国的替补阵容客场1：0小胜以全部主力出战的法国队。 中国没有进世界杯决赛圈，跟法国队的唯一区别是，中国没有用手球进球。

刮骨疗毒

话说，关羽手臂被毒箭射~~~中。华佗为其刮骨疗毒。关羽问华佗：“大~~~夫，这次手术的成功性有多大？”华佗说：“我已经做过99次同样的手术了。”关羽道：“那我就放心了。相信你会成功。”华佗道：“谢谢谢谢！我想我也该成功一次了啊！”

话说，关羽手臂被毒箭射~~~中。华佗为其刮骨疗毒。关羽突然跑了。刘备见状，问关羽：“你跑什么啊？”关羽道：“刚才华佗的徒弟说‘勇敢点！别害怕！这个手术很容易！’”刘备：“容易你怕什么？”关羽道：“但是这句话是华佗的徒弟说给华佗听的啊，大哥！”

话说，关羽手臂被毒箭射~~~中。华佗为其刮骨疗毒。华佗安慰关羽说：“别怕，一点都不痛的，一会就好……”关羽打断道：“呵呵！别说了，我以前也做过两年郎中的！

话说，关羽手臂被毒箭射~~~中。华佗为其刮骨疗毒。当华佗拿出刀子，关羽害怕了，不让华佗动手。于是，华佗叫人倒了一杯酒给关羽，喝后，问关羽：“有勇气了吗？现在还怕吗？”关羽道：“还有一点怕。”于是，又给关羽喝了一杯。关羽还是害怕。就这样不停的喝了几十杯。华佗又问：“现在是不是勇气十足？”只见关羽昂首挺胸，跳到了桌子上，大声叫道：“我倒要看看，谁xxxx敢动我的手臂！！”

Programming Jokes

Two bytes meet.  The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”  
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many programmers dose it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardware problem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? 
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.  His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!” 

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer?  It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”

The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”

“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

Gmap must be a Kayak fan

Sydney NSW
1.    Head north on George St towardsAngel Pl         0.4 km
2.    Take the 3rd left on to Grosvenor St         0.2 km
3.    Continue onto Western Dstr         0.5 km
........
56.    Slight right at Goyder Rd         0.3 km
57.    Slight left at Gilruth Ave         1.8 km
58.    At the roundabout, take the 3rd exit ontoKahlin Ave         0.4 km
59.    At the roundabout, take the 3rd exit ontoMyilly Tce         72 m
60.    Turn left to stay on Myilly Tce         0.3 km
61.    Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering Japan         5,404 km
62.    Turn right towards ??384??         1.3 km
63.    Continue straight onto ??384??         4.3 km
........
121.    Turn right         0.4 km
122.    Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering United States (Hawaii)         6,243 km
123.    Turn right at Kalakaua Ave         0.5 km
124.    Turn left at Kapahulu Ave         2.5 km
........
134.    Turn left at Kuilima Dr         0.8 km
135.    Turn right         0.2 km
136.    Kayak across the Pacific Ocean
Entering Washington         4,436 km
137.    Sharp right at N Northlake Way         1.8 km
138.    Continue onto NE Pacific St         1.3 km
139.    Slight right at Montlake Blvd NE         0.5 km
........
Entering New York         3.8 km
165.    Take the ramp to Downtown/Brooklyn         0.3 km
166.    Slight left at Laight St         94 m
167.    Continue onto Thompson St         28 m
168.    Continue onto Canal St         0.4 km
169.    Turn right at Broadway         0.7 km
     New York, NY

笑话

一名记者到某大学采访某系所有男生。
记者问第一个男生：“你晚上都干些什么？”答：“上 BBS，吸佳佳！”
记者又问第二个男生，男生答道：“上 BBS，吸佳佳！”
……
记者几 乎问遍所有的男生，得到的答案都是“上 BBS，吸佳佳”。
当要问最后一个男生时，记者抢先答道：“不用你说，你肯定每天都上 BBS，而且你就叫佳佳！”
男生怒道：“去你的，我才不会Ｃ＋＋呢！”


富婆去夜总会找乐子，老板娘挑了几个帅小伙，富婆不满意；老板娘又挑了几个壮小伙，富婆还不满意。老板娘问那富婆到底想要什么样的，富婆说要体力好、精力旺、能加班、能熬夜，老板娘一听乐了，张口喊道：“那些搞网站的，都给我出来接客！！！”

《阿凡达》—— 耗时两个半小时的魔兽争霸 WarCraft(zz)

      由于转播信号的问题，转播开始时比赛已经进行了一段时间，
此时HUM的人口为70，而暗夜人口为30，双方英雄：人族山丘（将军）已达到8级，血法（公司老总）只有5级，二英雄加茫茫多的坦克和直升飞机，由于双方出生在远点，所以人族一开始并未TR，暗夜方面，首发的黑暗游侠（奈蒂莉）7级和6级恶魔猎手（苏泰）

双方的战术思想也大相径庭，HUM此时急需扩张来继续扩大优势，但无奈前期侦查太烂
，到这时才派出了小绵羊（杰克）侦查。而暗夜方面并未意识到危险降临，仍然靠打野怪
升级。

就在小绵羊进入暗夜领地的时候，突然被路过的黑暗游侠发现，黑暗游侠正欲射杀小
绵羊，突然暗夜圣母显灵，小绵羊得以保全性命。。。

根据小绵羊**的情报，HUM终于锁定了暗夜的位置，此时小绵羊非常纠结，一方面他
是被女巫变成小绵羊侦查的，马上就要变回真身，另一方面他不知道自己究竟是那边的，
正在这时，黑暗游侠放出6级大招将小绵羊杰克招至麾下，众人表示不解，恶魔猎手甚至几
欲挥刀相向，但是黑暗游侠却一再坚称是圣母旨意，众人只好作罢。

接下来的日子黑暗游侠带着一级的杰克打野，一路上幸运的吃到N本经验书，使其等级
迅速飙升，单挑甚至不弱于恶魔猎手，而此时黑暗游侠的等级也提升到了8级（暂且认为5
级以后打野怪也加经验- -).

就在此时，HUM部队冲向暗夜主矿靠坦克对建筑的高输出直取暗夜生命之树！无奈兵力
差距太大，在损失了20多人口的兵力后只得退守2点方向的分基地。。。此战HUM大获全胜
，山丘之王也飙升至10级！！！！局面对暗夜十分不利。。。

HUM在回家后进行了简单的补给，欲乘胜追击，攻下对手分矿，结束比赛。就在此时，
小绵羊挺身而出！在制服中央泉水处的红龙后，等级达到9级！！他果断回城到达暗夜分矿
，招兵买马爆人口，缩小了双方兵力差距，而恶魔猎手屈从于红龙淫威，不敢造次，只得
听从小绵羊指挥。。。

大战终于到来，双方在暗夜分矿处展开了世纪大战！由于血法被山丘软禁，使得HUM部
队实力略有下降，但是HUM却靠着兵力优势击杀了对方已到7级的DEMON HUNTER!!!但是由于
火力过于集中，使得自己的部队损失过于严重。

但是瘦死的骆驼比马大，HUM小分队在4点钟方向围住了暗夜的黑暗游侠！正当HUM以为
比赛将就此结束时，暗夜派出了她们一直隐藏的第3英雄——兽王！没有人知道兽王什么时
候到达了6级，只见他二话不说放出了6级大招——万兽奔腾！团灭了HUM小分队，也保住了
黑暗游侠的生命。

坐在飞艇上督战的MK，见双方兵力对拼已尽，在飞艇爆炸前立即降落并使用了天神下
凡！而小绵羊由于击杀对方许多兵力，也早已到达10级！双方在分矿处展开了1V2！MK很轻
松地将黑暗游侠杀成了贫血，黑暗游侠为了保命早早退出战场，此时MK与小绵羊的对决成
为了本场比赛的最后决战，MK由于MP不够，一直处于劣势，但他转念一想，把攻击目标转
向了暗夜的最后一个建筑！！这样建筑一旦被打爆，比赛也将结束！！！此时贫血的黑暗
游侠不得不回救！放出了2记黑暗之箭结束了山丘的性命，比赛以暗夜的胜利而告终。。。

Avatar

美国人看到了美国和中东的战争
西班牙人看到了当年殖民军队和墨西哥阿兹特克帝国的故事
环保人士看到了人类破坏环境的后果
中国人看到了钉子户和拆迁队的斗争
魔兽玩家看到了人族和精灵族的武器装备
时尚人士看到了未来潮流的趋势：人体彩绘、情趣内衣。

Copenhagen fairytale

-- To explain the motivation behind the Copenhagen Summit.

Long long time ago, there was a big ship, on which there were 194 passengers. Unfortunately, no one was the ship captain although some always wanted to be. More unfortunately, the ship was leaking, therefore sinking slowly -- Well, if it was sinking quickly, even the most selfish or the most stupid person would take action. But most unfortunately, the ship was going down so slowly that some passengers chose to ignore that fact and started their bargain.

For some the passengers, for example a passenger called Maldives, it was a life-death issue because his cabinet was about to be taken by the sea. But a significant number of the passengers did not care. They were enjoying the sea view and growing their wealth as long as their cabinets were hardly affected. Among them, two major groups were formed. One group, headed by a passenger called America, owns almost all the luggage on the ship. Let's name them the rich. The other group, the brotherhood of the poor, were leaded by four big and strong guys -- China, India, Brazil, and Southafrica.

The first bargain took place in a cabinet called Japan. The theme was "How to slow down the ship-sinking process". In this bargain, everyone agrees that to prevent the ship from sinking we must throw away some of the luggage. And this was where the fighting began.

The poor pointed out that the rich had a lot to throw, "you have to throw another 40%".

The rich argues that what the poor owns were basically rubbish -- heavy and worthless; "you should throw all your belongings".

The poor replied, "That's OK if you compensate us for that". They asked the rich to contribute 0.5%-1% of their annual earnings, about $3,000 for compensation. What's more, they required the rich to teach the poor a few tips of getting richer.

The rich was angry on seeing such a request. "You must be daydreaming! We have already given you $100 a year. Don’t think of one more cent".

So that basically formed the arguments of the "Kyoto Protocol", which urges the rich to throw away their belongings. It targeted at America in particular, who owns 1/5 of the luggage. America was very unhappy about it, thus declined signing the paper. America came out and shouted, "It is true that I own 1/5 of the luggage, but they are as valuable as 1/4 of the all. Look at that China, she owns 1/5 of the luggage as well, but only values 3% of the total. Her luggage is also growing the fastest!"

China couldn't hide behind the crowd any more. She stood out and talked to her poor cousins, "Brothers and sisters, I have been and will continue fighting on behave of you to seek for more benefit. Don't be afraid of the rich. They will suffer more and lose more from the sinking. Let's unite and fight."

The brotherhood of the poor regained their high momentum. They accused the rich to have broken the ship since 200 years ago. "We've only gotten on the ship for a few days ago while you have sit on it for years. It is you who have worn out the ship. So it’s reasonable for you to spend more to fix it." They were delighted to come up with such a unbeatable argument.

The rich was not going to give in. "We had no idea that the ship would sink one day; and we have carried out repairs everyday. You are still caring about getting rich all the time. If not us, you wouldn't know how to repair it or even noticing it is sinking! You owes us great debt."

In order to end this everlasting, all sat down in the cabinet of Denmark. However, the hope worn out quickly since neither side would like to sacrafice their own wishes. The only outcome was so-called the "Copenhagen Consensus", in which it states "We discovered and admit that, the ship is leaking, and will sink."

So, the passengers were satisfied to see the consensus was reached, which reflected a great effort by all. And, the voyage carries on happily ever after.

Merry Christmas!

人物总结

冰清玉洁武藤兰，三贞九烈小泽圆。 不近女色陈冠希，天生丽质金喜善。 坚持原创郭小四，低调沉稳数韩寒。 清心寡欲小日本，万恶帝国美利坚。 与邻为善以色列，安宁祥和阿富汗。 国强民富看朝鲜，宇宙起源在南韩。 民主典范金正日，和平斗士本拉丹。 从不掉线天涯网，从不删贴管理员。 优秀记者冬日娜，尖嘴猴腮毕福剑。 只讲真话西西踢维，人民喉舌焦点访谈。 天籁之音曾轶可，大家闺秀李宇春。 守口如瓶宋祖德，字正腔圆周杰伦。 洁身自好赵忠祥，铁汉无泪冷朱军。 水准专业孙正平，从不口误韩乔生。 貌若天仙芙蓉姐，百毒不侵满文军。 诚信经营陈天桥，永不模仿马化腾。 重庆好人谢才萍，无家可归贾君鹏。 低速行车杭州市，交通顺畅北京城。 舍己为人范跑跑，眉清目秀冯小刚。 用色淡雅张艺谋，代言保真唐国强。 物美价廉奥菲斯，低调奢华阿迪王。 学识渊博余秋雨，淡泊名利查良镛。 勤俭持家章小蕙，从不炒作张纪中。 白面书生奥巴马，没有炸弹巴格达。 和风细雨马景涛，苗条骨感沈殿霞。 高大威猛属梅西，从不假摔是Ｃ罗。 料事如神贝球王，只争第一是国安。 足坛巨擘李大帝，世界强队国足男。 文明执法闵行区，国虎出没镇坪县。 干净公平全运会，春风拂面好 。 无毒无害三鹿奶，营养健康方便面。 强身健体俯卧撑，安全游戏躲猫猫。 爱管闲事酱油党，不明真相老百姓。 水深火热蛮夷众，欢欣鼓舞天朝民

中文名

中国人起名字很讲究，音形意要俱佳，还要看属相风水生辰八字，然后断个五行。遇到大家族有个族谱，名字中要配合辈分。有些字还要避尊者讳，不能用。所以起名，难。

今天想到了一个笑话。生第一个孩子，就叫天赐。第二个叫天佑。第三个叫天养。生到第四个，就叫添乱吧。

海归博士自杀 浙大发布奇文讣告

　　九月二十九日上午八时三十分，涂序新老师遗体告别仪式在杭州殡仪馆举行。参加告别

　　仪式的有学院领导、学校相关部门、部分师生及涂老师亲属与同学，共100余人。

　　涂序新老师于2009年9月17日凌晨2点因病不幸坠楼去世，终年32岁。(sick suicide?!)

　　涂序新老师1977年8月生于浙江金华，1995年9月——2001年6月就读于清华大学，2000年6月获水利水电工程专业学士学位，2001年6月获法学学士学位。2001年9月——2007年6月就读于美国西北大学，分别于2004年和2007年获得岩土工程硕士和博士学位。其后在美国西北大学从事博士后研究工作，2009年6月中旬回国到学院工作。

　　涂序新老师为人真诚善良，对待同事细心周到，受到大家的尊重;对待学生，耐心解答疑问，多次深入新生宿舍与学生交流，受到学生的爱戴。涂序新老师学识渊博、事业心强、治学严谨，对研究工作认真执着，精益求精。

　　借此机会，感谢学校各部门及学院师生的关心! (What the hell is this "thank-you"?)

　　附涂序新博士来学院的主要经历

　　2009年1月，涂博士通过电子邮件与学院岩土所联系，申请教师岗位;

　　3月24日，由学院提供往返国际机票和住宿条件，涂博士来学院面试;(The school paid for the interview! how generous.)

　　4月21日，学院将《新进人员聘任通知书》发给涂博士，涂博士于次日通过电子邮件表示“本人愿意接受你们所提供的岗位和待遇”; (Acceptance by Dr.Tu means "not the school's problem")

　　6月12日，涂博士与浙大签署聘用合同;

　　7月28日，涂博士租住由浙大提供的位于玉泉校区求是村的教师公寓。公寓建筑面积57平方米(内含独立厨房、卫生间以及电视、冰箱、空调、微波炉、电磁炉、床铺、桌椅等家具和电器设施)。此后，他相继参加了学院组织的留学归国人员座谈会、环境岩土工程国际学术研讨会筹备及会务工作，并担任了 2009级本科新生班主任; (Perfect living place -- is that an ad? The school is so "generous"!)

　　9月1日到8日期间，涂博士参加了学校在之江校区举行的新教师岗位集中培训;

　　9月8日，学校启动了下半年专业技术职务评审工作。9月11日，涂博士在学校“专业技术职务聘任系统”中填写了申报副教授的相关信息;(The cause is just too simple to ignore)

　　9月17日，涂博士于凌晨2点因病不幸坠楼去世。

关于奥特曼和怪兽的笑话（续集）

玩具

怪兽妈妈问小怪兽想要什么圣诞礼物。

小怪兽说，我要一套奥特曼公仔。

男朋友

怪兽mm待字闺中，上网看看征婚信息。

输入关键字“酷，有安全感”。

结论：奥特曼。

关于奥特曼和怪兽的笑话

什么是幸福？
幸福就是猫吃鱼，狗吃肉，奥特曼打小怪兽

幕后英雄
每个受人尊敬的奥特曼背后，都有一群默默挨打的小怪兽

理想
怪兽妈妈问小怪兽，他的理想是什么？
小怪兽说，我的理想是至少打倒一个奥特曼。

(right, a picture added on 23 Sept 2009)